My heart is heavy.
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A beautiful, caring, giving woman is gone from this world. I thought I would know when she shed her mortal body. So the jarring phone call, 4 days after she left, felt a little unsettling.
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Melba Smiling, unsure when photo was taken, quite young though.
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But on the other hand, I kind of did;
My husband and I chatted and he reminded me that I have been talking about her a lot this last week, and he feels I probably DID know. She has been on my mind a lot lately, and Friday I spent a good couple of hours writing her a letter, catching her up on all the news. She had not answered her phone in a while. So I mailed it Saturday.
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I guess it will be coming back.
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I loved her with all my heart. She and I talked about how we were so connected and separate from the rest of that dysfunctional family. We "spoke" to each other in a way no one else did.
(Melba smiling)
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She listened and soothed and dried my tears. We both knew how broken mentally/emotionally my own biological incubator was.
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She gave me my first modern book on witchcraft and made sure to pen in a sticky note in the front "this is not bad!" so I knew it would be ok. She gave me a book by Sylvia Browne and told me when she did, that this lady and I once knew each other and were a lot alike in this life. She made it ok to be different because there were others like me in the world.
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She told me of her own healing journey with Delores the hypnotist that helped her with her past life Karma work.
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(Ironically I did not realize how famous that lady was till just last year)
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She encouraged me to be me; kept me as safe as she could when she could and tried to undo as much harm that was done as she could from the biological incubator.
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Three years ago she apologized for a misunderstanding I did not even remember, but I forgave her anyway because it mattered to her. She insisted that I remember: "You are not your mother, you are good." She whispered it into my ear as I left from that visit.
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That visit, I had known would be my last, but I held onto hope that money and time would let me go back before she left. Hope did not pan out.
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She told me stories of her life, and I promised not to share them till she was gone.
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(Image of Melba with Diane on Left and Myrtice on right)
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She was a light soul who only gave to others, she never asked for herself; and when she did, too many of her family shamed her for it.
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Her life themes were Sacrifice and Spirituality. She was a great gift to all who kew her, even if they did not know.
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She will always be a hero to me. She nurtured, protected, and helped me find my way as best she could.
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She tried to hold love and space for her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; but it was rarely reciprocated.
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She never judged or held my view of the world as bad, even when she told me the family would. She accepted and let me know with love, the validation of my own knowledge of who I really am, and where I am from. She never "othered" me the way she had been "othered".
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When I was in 5th grade, I live with her full time for a year. She went to a "famous psychic" and told me in that time, that she was sad for me. I asked her why. She told me that I would have a very long life, but that for a long time I would be very alone. She wanted me to know that my choices were a part of the lessons needed because I had great things to do and great sacrifices to make. She also said over and over "You are NOT your mother, if anything, remember you are NOT your mother; YOU are GOOD!"
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For years the darkness of judgement and the burden of being my mothers daughter kept me striving for the healing needed to come into myself. Decades of abuse, created decades of needed healing. I listened to Melba, I kept fighting to find the healing, the forgiveness needed, and the release that finally came.
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When it came, she knew it would be ok to go home. She stuck around, in a broken body, long enough to know I would be ok.
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I think I only remember that conversation, because I recognized that was the turning point in her "teaching" me things. She was much more intense about herbalism, and learning the stories that she was taught. She talked about her mother a great deal after that, I learned so much. To this day, there is much I am realizing she taught me. She invested in teaching that would not show its fruits for decades to come.
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I am glad you got to go home, letting go of this fleshy body that never fit quite right.
I will promise to listen better. I got Martin's message, now that I realize it was you.
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She was 91 and still a young woman, no matter who thought otherwise. She could laugh with abandon, and hug with 100% of herself. She was born in Georgia, moved to Kansas, and had 6 children, 8 grandchildren, and 10 great-grandchildren.
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She lived to see both her son Smith and daughter Lily, reincarnated back into the family after their lives were cut so short. She also found the eyes of her father through the eyes of a grandchild and found joy in that connection, however brief. She found a great deal of joy in knowing their souls continued on, and they would have a chance to work on that pesky karma.
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She wanted to let go of karma and follow the light of right. She really did want to break out of the wheel of karma. We talked about that a few times. She told me not long ago that she knew she had achieved the release and this was the last time, that she had forgiven them all and would not be returning.
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I hope that is true, and I wish her a good journey.
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I can miss her, but that would be an injustice to her memory and her strength. For who would want to hold this beautiful soul back from flying free? She is but light and love and I honor her sacrifices for what they are; love.
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She was unconditional love for all who cared to receive. That was her gift to them all, to me, and I am truly blessed to have known her for the little time I did.
Blessings on your journey Melba.
Blessings.
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P.S.
The letter did get returned, but also a package from the disenfranchised family with letters I had sent her over the last three years, and a gift I sent her. I re-read the letters a few days ago. That is when I realized, the timing and information all fit. She knew, I told her in a letter, that I was ready, I had let go, and was doing "the work" we had talked about all those years ago.
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I cried tears of both awareness and joy. Thank you Melba. You are the best. I accept your gifts, all you gave to help me carry on the purpose we chose to be here for.
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You were right, I am the child your mother and you were waiting for. I honor you.
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I am not from here, but the way was prepared, and I honor your sacrifices with love and trust.