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My heart is heavy.

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A beautiful, caring, giving woman is gone from this world. I thought I would know when she shed her mortal body. So the jarring phone call, 4 days after she left, felt a little unsettling.

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Melba Smiling, unsure when photo was taken, quite young though.

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But on the other hand, I kind of did;

My husband and I chatted and he reminded me that I have been talking about her a lot this last week, and he feels I probably DID know. She has been on my mind a lot lately, and Friday I spent a good couple of hours writing her a letter, catching her up on all the news. She had not answered her phone in a while. So I mailed it Saturday.

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I guess it will be coming back.

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I loved her with all my heart. She and I talked about how we were so connected and separate from the rest of that dysfunctional family. We "spoke" to each other in a way no one else did.

(Melba smiling)

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She listened and soothed and dried my tears. We both knew how broken mentally/emotionally my own biological incubator was.

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She gave me my first modern book on witchcraft and made sure to pen in a sticky note in the front "this is not bad!" so I knew it would be ok. She gave me a book by Sylvia Browne and told me when she did, that this lady and I once knew each other and were a lot alike in this life. She made it ok to be different because there were others like me in the world.

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She told me of her own healing journey with Delores the hypnotist that helped her with her past life Karma work.

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(Ironically I did not realize how famous that lady was till just last year)

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She encouraged me to be me; kept me as safe as she could when she could and tried to undo as much harm that was done as she could from the biological incubator.

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Three years ago she apologized for a misunderstanding I did not even remember, but I forgave her anyway because it mattered to her. She insisted that I remember: "You are not your mother, you are good." She whispered it into my ear as I left from that visit.

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That visit, I had known would be my last, but I held onto hope that money and time would let me go back before she left. Hope did not pan out.

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She told me stories of her life, and I promised not to share them till she was gone.

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(Image of Melba with Diane on Left and Myrtice on right)


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She was a light soul who only gave to others, she never asked for herself; and when she did, too many of her family shamed her for it.

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Her life themes were Sacrifice and Spirituality. She was a great gift to all who kew her, even if they did not know.

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She will always be a hero to me. She nurtured, protected, and helped me find my way as best she could.

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She tried to hold love and space for her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; but it was rarely reciprocated.

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She never judged or held my view of the world as bad, even when she told me the family would. She accepted and let me know with love, the validation of my own knowledge of who I really am, and where I am from. She never "othered" me the way she had been "othered".

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When I was in 5th grade, I live with her full time for a year. She went to a "famous psychic" and told me in that time, that she was sad for me. I asked her why. She told me that I would have a very long life, but that for a long time I would be very alone. She wanted me to know that my choices were a part of the lessons needed because I had great things to do and great sacrifices to make. She also said over and over "You are NOT your mother, if anything, remember you are NOT your mother; YOU are GOOD!"

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For years the darkness of judgement and the burden of being my mothers daughter kept me striving for the healing needed to come into myself. Decades of abuse, created decades of needed healing. I listened to Melba, I kept fighting to find the healing, the forgiveness needed, and the release that finally came.

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When it came, she knew it would be ok to go home. She stuck around, in a broken body, long enough to know I would be ok.

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I think I only remember that conversation, because I recognized that was the turning point in her "teaching" me things. She was much more intense about herbalism, and learning the stories that she was taught. She talked about her mother a great deal after that, I learned so much. To this day, there is much I am realizing she taught me. She invested in teaching that would not show its fruits for decades to come.

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I am glad you got to go home, letting go of this fleshy body that never fit quite right.

I will promise to listen better. I got Martin's message, now that I realize it was you.

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She was 91 and still a young woman, no matter who thought otherwise. She could laugh with abandon, and hug with 100% of herself. She was born in Georgia, moved to Kansas, and had 6 children, 8 grandchildren, and 10 great-grandchildren.

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She lived to see both her son Smith and daughter Lily, reincarnated back into the family after their lives were cut so short. She also found the eyes of her father through the eyes of a grandchild and found joy in that connection, however brief. She found a great deal of joy in knowing their souls continued on, and they would have a chance to work on that pesky karma.

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She wanted to let go of karma and follow the light of right. She really did want to break out of the wheel of karma. We talked about that a few times. She told me not long ago that she knew she had achieved the release and this was the last time, that she had forgiven them all and would not be returning.

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I hope that is true, and I wish her a good journey.

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I can miss her, but that would be an injustice to her memory and her strength. For who would want to hold this beautiful soul back from flying free? She is but light and love and I honor her sacrifices for what they are; love.

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She was unconditional love for all who cared to receive. That was her gift to them all, to me, and I am truly blessed to have known her for the little time I did.

Blessings on your journey Melba.

Blessings.

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P.S.

The letter did get returned, but also a package from the disenfranchised family with letters I had sent her over the last three years, and a gift I sent her. I re-read the letters a few days ago. That is when I realized, the timing and information all fit. She knew, I told her in a letter, that I was ready, I had let go, and was doing "the work" we had talked about all those years ago.

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I cried tears of both awareness and joy. Thank you Melba. You are the best. I accept your gifts, all you gave to help me carry on the purpose we chose to be here for.

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You were right, I am the child your mother and you were waiting for. I honor you.

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I am not from here, but the way was prepared, and I honor your sacrifices with love and trust.

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I participated in an experiment: (of my own devising)

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I ate really clean for 10 days straight. No Sugar, corn, wheat (I don't normally anyway), and other allergens on my list.

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My Oura ring was off and on between 72 and 82 for sleep efficiency before the hard-line experiment.

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After 4 days of clean eating, I went to 90% sleep efficiency.

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After 10 days I was at 98% sleep efficiency with 95% resting heart rate readiness.

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Then Friday, May 12th, I had a McKenzie River gluten-free pizza, which has corn, and a slice of flourless cake, and some steamed and ranch drizzled Brussel sprouts. The flourless cake was imbibed as a few bites Friday night and a few Saturday afternoon.

The reason for the treat meal was a "feel good" celebration for my husband and myself, and food is his love language. So any kind of celebration, he wants to eat a treat of some kind. I cannot eat out in many places, so I thought I would try a place that I can sometimes get away with.

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My sleep scores plummeted.

Sleep Score Friday and Saturday night were 70 and 72 respectively. My Sleep efficiency was 72 and 76 respectively.

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I did this experiment to prove to myself and to others a few things.

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#1 Allergens do affect your body.

Even if you don't "feel bad"

(i.e allergic reaction needing Benadryl etc. ).

#2. Sugar affects everything.

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I did not "feel" bad Saturday, but today is Sunday and I am really feeling the impact on my sleep today. It matters.

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Today I go back to clean eating.

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Bonding with my partner over food is not enough of a reason for me to feel awful for days afterward. Food as a love language is not wrong, but eating out and sacrificing your health for others is not a good idea. As a society, we need to have these discussions and find other ways to hang out and bond.

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Don't get me wrong, my husband does not pressure me to eat poorly, or sacrifice my health for his need to bond over food. He is very supportive and encouraging for me to make good, healthy choices for me. It is just difficult for him, because food is his love language, and he loves to eat, and his favorite and most hazardous addiction is sugar.

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In my own recent journey of joining a community, and connecting out into the world again, I have eaten out more since January than I have in the last 4 years (even before Covid) I am stopping right now.

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Back to meal prep. and staying away from things that affect my health. (I have. also gained 10 lbs, so that shit stops now!)

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It is not just me that has this issue. I know lots of friends and people who use food as comfort, bonding, social connection, or an emotional coping mechanism.

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This is not an accusation or a blame game, this is reality. We do it to and for each other, pressures to fit in. It's ok. I get it.

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When I stopped drinking alcohol (more than 10 years ago no), over the first two years, occasionally I would "cheat" and have a drink or two and felt awful. I had to have a real, very real, awakening; before setting a firm line that I have not crossed since. We all have to come to that within ourselves. I LIKED a social drink every once in awhile. I liked a good "White Russian", they were my favorite. But alcohol is poison, and for me to live my life, doing as I need to and the work, I cannot drink poison, even socially.

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I am a certified Health Coach/Life Coach. I forget that I too need to model good habits, and I have people I deeply care about that need that modeling and support. I can do it, have done it, and will continue to do it.

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So back on the wagon of success, health, and moving away from social ideas of what is normal or acceptable.

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What is right, is not always popular.

I am not in a popularity contest.

I am here to LIVE, LOVE, spread joy, and teach.

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Teaching from an example is always the best!

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Blessings my friends. Blessings.

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A teacher can only lead you to the doors of your own knowing.

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My teacher myself, reflected in each of YOUR selves.

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Now is the time for coming together, activating with awareness the layers of BODY, MIND, TRUE SELF, and Love.

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I am so filled with joy and light, love and happiness in the accepted connections, and the knowledge that outside of time, we are coming together- to push forward the next steps of flow- into the tomorrows.

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Too many years of knowing, outside, looking in; knowing the dark time was coming, unable to be heard.

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The dark time is still here, for those caught in the whirlpool.

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The dark time is dangerous, for not longer are you propelled by the currents of karma, but you must choose. Choose to stay awake, choose to stay or leave, choose in each moment to be present and do the work.

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Those who have journeyed through the dark time?

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Now is the time of action, purpose, and movement. Change can feel chaotic, it is not. Chaos is movement, change is movement, action. One cannot close the doors to the awareness once the door has opened, you are in the doorway, the threshold of action.

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You can choose to turn away, ignore, to leave it to others. But each choice has a balance in the universe, there is always an outcome.

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No longer will I be silent, and no longer will I be able to hold in, or push down and within. No longer transparent, unseen, avoidable, blamed, shamed, disappointed, silenced.

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Unfurling, whipping, swirling, flowing, still, enveloping, indestructible, unconditional; love is.

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Love is.

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